Resources

This is the last in a series we’ve called ‘Jesus on men and women’. And we’ve been unpacking Jesus’ fullest piece of teaching on sex and marriage – which was prompted by a question about divorce. So let me quickly remind you of the question, and of Jesus’ answer. So would you have your Bibles open at page 824, Matthew 19 and look down to Matthew 19.3:

And Pharisees came up to [Jesus] and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful [in other words, is it OK with God] to divorce one's wife for any cause?”

And they believed it was. They believed you could divorce your wife simply because you no longer wanted to be with her, and that you were then free to remarry someone you preferred. In other words, the Pharisees believed that; Divorce is OK with God. Remarriage is OK with God. But what Jesus teaches here is the exact opposite, because Jesus says: Divorce is not God’s will. Remarriage after divorce is not God’s will, either but Jesus knows that, sadly, in a fallen world divorce still happens – and sometimes happens to Christians. And that’s why the last thing he does in this piece of teaching is to talk about: Singleness and how to live it.

And uppermost in his mind was his concern for those who are single again after divorce. But what he has to say speaks to all of us who are single, as well as to all of us who are married because we’re responsible for supporting you who are single, and for helping make this church your spiritual family. But the first thing to see tonight is that:

1. If we’re divorced (however that’s happened) Jesus calls us to remain single

So look on to Matthew 19.9, where Jesus sums up his answer to the Pharisees. He says:

…whoever divorces his wife, (except for sexual immorality), and marries another, commits adultery.

We unpacked that last week, but we need to re-cap it briefly. So we saw that the exception could include the scenario where the wife in Matthew 19.9 has committed adultery and caused a divorce that the faithful husband didn’t want but couldn’t avoid. But when that’s not the scenario, we can cross out the exception, and see that in all other scenarios Jesus is saying:

And that’s because, as Jesus taught earlier in this passage, the one flesh union of marriage – that ‘structure’ which is different from the relationship itself – isn’t ended by divorce. Which means that, for divorced people, their first marriage is still a reality in God’s eyes. Which means that to remarry would be an adulterous step. And so by implication, Jesus is calling those who are divorced to remain single. But is there an exception to that for the faithful partner whose spouse has committed adultery and caused the divorce? Well, as we saw last week, the mainstream understanding of Christians has been that the answer is, ‘No.’ And one reason for that is where the exception comes in Matthew 19.9, because if Jesus had wanted to say clearly that the faithful partner of an adulterous spouse may divorce and remarry, Matthew 19.9 would have looked like this:

Because in Greek, the language the New Testament was written in, that word order would say clearly that the faithful partner of an adulterous spouse may divorce and remarry. But that’s not the word order. The real Matthew 19.9 goes like this:

…whoever divorces his wife, (except for sexual immorality), and marries another, commits adultery.

And in Greek, putting the exception there means it only applies to the divorce part of what Jesus is saying. So Jesus isn’t excepting the faithful partner from the truth that neither divorce nor remarriage are God’s will – but from a sense of responsibility for a divorce they didn’t cause, didn’t want, didn’t initiate. But even for them, Jesus’ call is then to remain single. And let me repeat from last week that that is absolutely not any kind of punishment for the divorced person. It’s simply a consequence of the lifelong nature of marriage. And remaining single is then a powerful witness to the nature of marriage. So that’s the first thing tonight: If we’re divorced (however that’s happened) Jesus calls us to remain single. Which inevitably raises questions – like, ‘Isn’t that unfair and hard and unloving?’ And, ‘Is that really possible and livable?’ Which brings us to the second thing Jesus says to us tonight:

2. Whether we’re single or married, God can enable us to live out his will

So from Matthew 19.4-9, Jesus has taught that marriage really is a life long one flesh union between a man and a woman, ultimately created by God. Now look at the disciples’ reaction to that. Matthew 19.10-11:

The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But [Jesus] said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.”

So the question is: when Jesus says Not everyone can receive this saying, which saying is he on about? Because there are two options.

Option 1 is that this saying is what the disciples have just said. So this saying would then be that It is better not to marry. But that’s unlikely because what kind of reaction is it in Matthew 19.10? It’s an unbelieving, objecting kind of reaction. They’re saying, ‘You’ve got to be kidding! If you can’t get out of marriage when you want out, you’re better off staying single.’ So do we really think Jesus would pick up that saying and endorse it, given that the mindset behind it couldn’t be more wrong? I don’t think so. On top of that, in the Gospels the general pattern is that the disciples misunderstand Jesus’ teaching and react wrongly, and Jesus is constantly correcting what they say. You don’t find Jesus quoting them as if they’ve hit on the truth.

So option 2 is that this saying is what Jesus has just said in Matthew 19.9 – which really sums up this whole piece of teaching, which is that: Marriage is a lifelong, one flesh union between a man and a woman; and that divorce is not God’s will; and that remarriage after divorce is not God’s will, either. So what does Jesus mean, in Matthew 19.11, when he says:

Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.

Well, Jesus uses exactly that language a few chapters earlier. So would you turn back to page 818, Matthew 13. So at the start of chapter 13, Jesus tells the parable of the sower – where the sower sowing seed on his field is a picture of Jesus’ word going out to the world. And the point of the parable of the sower is that only some people receive his word and accept him as King of their lives. So now look down to Matthew 13.10-11.

Then the disciples came and said to [Jesus], “Why do you speak to them in parables?” And he answered them, “To you it has been given to know the secrets of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given.

So Jesus is saying there that his word is in one way a bit like a secret, because you can’t know a secret (like my debit card pin number) unless you’re let into it. And Jesus says we only understand and accept his word when God ‘lets us into it’ – when he works in our hearts by his Spirit; so that we not only see that Jesus is our rightful King, who died on the cross to forgive us back into relationship with him, but we actually want him and accept him as King of our lives. And Jesus is saying: we’re not able to respond to him like that, naturally – that ability is given by the work of God’s Spirit in us, supernaturally. So now turn back to page 824 and Matthew 19.11, where Jesus says about his teaching on sex and marriage and divorce and remarriage:

Not everyone can receive this saying [in other words, the whole world isn’t going to buy into it], but only those to whom it is given.

Which is the same word and same idea as in Matthew 13. So those to whom it is given = those who believe in Jesus and accept him as King because God, by his Spirit, has worked in them. And the word receive in Matthew 13.11 has more than just the idea of taking it in intellectually. It has the idea of accepting it and living it out. And Jesus’ point is that he and his Father give us the ability to do that. Which is why my heading for this verse is: Whether we’re single or married, God can enable us to live out his will. Which is so important for us to get, because Jesus’ teaching here to the married about staying married lifelong, can look nigh on impossible to live out. And Jesus’ teaching here to those he calls to stay single can look nigh on impossible to live out. But as Augustine used to say: ‘God enables what he wills.’ In other words, he can give us the ability to live out his will however hard it looks.

So take marriage first. I made a real pig’s ear of going out with Tess – she had a very hard time, because I was so uncertain. And my biggest uncertainty was: Can I love her as I should? After all, what if I go off her? What if it gets really hard? And I thought about the words I’d have to say ‘I will’ to:

Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

And I wondered, ‘Will I? Can I?’ And the wise person considering marriage realises that the answer to that question is; no. In my own strength I don’t have the ability but God can give me the ability. Because, like Augustine said ‘God enables what he wills.’ And that’s why in a church wedding vows are made before God. Which is not just a way of saying to God, ‘I know I’m accountable to you for keeping these promises.’ It’s also a way of saying to God, ‘I haven’t got a hope of keeping them without your help.’

But then take singleness, because it’s equally full of the same, ‘Can I?’ questions. Can I cope with living as a single person for the foreseeable future, or possibly even for life? Can I cope with the sexual holiness side of life, when I have no God-given outlet for my desires? Can I cope with the emotional and relational side of singleness and the loneliness that’s sometimes part of it? Can I cope doing certain things on my own? Can I cope with singleness again after divorce? Can I cope with singleness again after bereavement? They’re huge questions. And the answer, again, is: No. In my own strength I don’t have the ability, but God can give me the ability. Because, like Augustine said, ‘God enables what he wills.’ So, that’s the second thing tonight. Whether we’re single or married, God can enable us to live out his will. And whether we’re single or married, we need to trust his word on that, and we need to pray for him to strengthen us in all the areas where we feel weak and feel as if we could just give way. And, staying with his enabling of singleness, here’s the third thing Jesus says tonight:

3. God can enable us to live out both chosen and unchosen singleness

Look on to Matthew 19.12, where Jesus says:

For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are ‘eunuchs’ who have ‘made themselves eunuchs’ for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

So a eunuch = someone unable to have a married, sexual relationship. And Jesus says: for some, that was because of a physical condition from birth; for others, that was because of being mutilated. And the point of those two kinds of eunuch is that their lack of a married, sexual relationships was involuntary, unchosen. And quite a lot of the singleness among us will feel like that. For some of us here in our teens and early twenties, our singleness may not be much of an issue. It’s just a fact. But as we get a bit older, it may become more of an issue in our minds. Not just a fact, but now a bit more of an unwanted fact, an unchosen singeleness. And Jesus uses the example of these two kinds of eunuch to say that he understands that. So he understands that there’s singleness where we’d like to married, but the opportunity hasn’t come along. And even if we say, ‘Hasn’t come along yet,’ he understands that we have to live with the uncertainty of the ‘yet’ and the open-endedness of singleness. He understands that there’s singleness where because of health or disability, marriage may not come our way. He understands that there’s singleness because of godly commitments we’ve made – maybe the commitment of the single missionary who’s put him or herself beyond the opportunity to meet someone suitable; or, like a friend of ours, the commitment of long-term care for an elderly parent which, similarly, seems to have kept her from meeting someone. He understands that there’s singleness because of experiencing settled, long-term same sex attraction – where there’s no sign that’ll change, and no inclination towards heterosexual marriage. He understands that there’s singleness after being bereaved of a spouse. And he understands that there’s singleness after divorce – and those are the people Jesus would have had uppermost in mind here, after this piece of teaching.

And he wants us to know he understands and sympathises – after all, his own saving mission involved accepting a single life. And Jesus wants us to know that, for as long as we experience any of those kinds of singleness,
God can enable us to live it out. But in Matthew 19.12, after mentioning those two kinds of literal, involuntary eunuchs, he also mentions a metaphorical kind of eunuch:

For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are ‘eunuchs’ [in inverted commas, metaphorical eunuchs] who have ‘made themselves eunuchs’ [in other words, chosen to remain single – at least for a time, maybe for good] for the sake of the kingdom of heaven [in other words, to serve Jesus and the growth of his kingdom].

So here is voluntary, chosen singleness in order to serve Jesus better. And an example of that would be John Chapman, who was an Australian evangelist, now in heaven, who helped us with two JPC mission weeks, and who had a remarkable worldwide ministry. And what he did – the quality and quantity of his ministry, the travelling and all the rest, wouldn’t have been possible if he’d been married. And he wrote this about his singleness:

By the time I was thirty, I’d decided to stay single because I’d carved out a ministry and a way of life that worked – although my Christian friends urged me to ‘get cracking’ before it was too late. My worst times were between 25 and 35, when they would take me for long walks, telling me how important it was that I got married…It would have been a great help if they’d read the Bible, wouldn’t it?[Chappo: for the sake of the gospel, Michael Orpwood]

And I take it Jesus mentions voluntary singleness because, like John Chapman, it may be for some of us. But I take it he also mentions it because the attitude of using our singleness positively to serve Jesus is for all of us who are single to take on board – even if our singleness is far from voluntary. Because there are other Bible passages on singleness which say that, as well as downsides and challenges, it does have upsides and opportunities. And one is often having more time and energy and flexibility than the married for serving Jesus – for example, in the spread of the gospel and the building up of the church family here. So it’s no surprise that single people are the backbone of much of our youth and children’s work, and of Holiday Club starting tomorrow. But having said that, the culture of our church should not be that the singles use all the time and energy and flexibility they have to serve the ministry needs, while the married pull up the drawbridge and carefully protect their family time and date night and all the rest of it. No. Jesus calls those of us who are married to live as committed and sacrificial and serving a life as those who are single. And part of that is to make sure that calling JPC a ‘church family’ is not just rhetoric but reality.

So for example, on my first ever Sunday at JPC, when I’d arrived as a 28 year old single person who knew no-one, I was invited to lunch by a couple called John and Pat Gray. And after lunch they said to me ‘We would like you to regard us as your Geordie parents. Our home is open to you at any time. We will invite you regularlay, buit you can invite yourself any time.’ And that was a Godsend. And Tess and I have done that for other singles in our turn. And my question to you, if you’re married is: are you doing that for at least one single person in our church family? Because we have a responsibility to support our single brothers and sisters, and to make their singleness livable and positive and good. It’s a win, win because our marriages and our families and our children need what those single brothers and sisters can bring to them as well.

I realise we’ve covered a lot in these four weeks and some of what Jesus teaches may be new to you, maybe unexpected, even unwelcome. So, to finish just look at what Jesus says at the very end of Matthew 19.12:

Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.

And this is everything that he has said in this whole passage. Not only what he’s just said about singleness, but this is everything he’s said about sex, gender, sex, and marriage, divorce and remarriage, and singleness. And where he says Let the one who is able to receive this receive it, that word receive literally means ‘give it room’. It’s what they didn’t give Jesus that night in Bethlehem when he was born – give it room. And for whatever has been unexpected or unwelcome, I just want to say step one is simply to let it in the room with you, and begin to ask for yourself things like ‘is this really what Jesus is saying or just what Garrett is saying?’ That’s the interpretation question. And then, if you’re stratified with that to ask ‘what’s the wisdom behind this? How is this for our good?’ which is the trust question. ‘Is he really good, and so is His will going to be really good for me?’

We’re having one more question and discussion time afterwards if you’d like to join me and others to talk about tonight’s verses or earlier ones. I’m working on a list of suggested resources onw aht we’ve covered, from books to websites to podcasts. I didn’t get it done (I’m sorry) for last Friday but we’ll put it in a link in this Friday’s church email. But for now we’re going to reposnd together as a church in our next song.